An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went to a bar. Suddenly the Englishman's hat started vibrating. "What the hell?" the bartender said. "Oh, it's the newest technology from America - a phonehat!" said the Englishman. Next the Scotsman's shoe starts bleeping. "What the hell?" said the bartender. "Oh a laptop shoe, its the newest technology from America" he said - meanwhile the Irishman went to the toilet and when he came back he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse and said: "Wouldn't you believe it I've got a fax!"

A man walks into a bar and spots a beautiful woman sitting on her own. He approaches her and offers her a drink, and the woman accepts. While talking about each other, the woman claims she is 54, and the man amazed thinks "wow she looks quite hot". They get on so well and later on, the woman asks him if he has ever had a mother-daughter threesome, with a grin on his face he says "nope" and the woman kindly offers to fullfill that missing part in his life. As they approach the bottom of the woman's stairwell at her house his date shouts up the stairs "MOM, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE? I'VE BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING!"

Added (2009-11-23, 5:35 Pm)
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Lol Niki, I agree with you, Family Guy is awesome : )... I watched that episode on my comp and I am glad, filming with a camera on youtube doesn't really attract me so ^^

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and says, “I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery Is enough.”

"Pa', what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you shall call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they're getting divorced, I'll take care of this!!!”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife “Okay, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Added (2009-11-26, 6:56 Pm)
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Me: hey
Cleverbot: That was not a question.
Me: Ok ... are all DM forums really dead?
Cleverbot: Yes, I saw him get hit by a bus.
Me: Huh?
Cleverbot: Don't lie.
Me: That was not a lie.
Cleverbot: Stop lying. You will feel better afterwards.
Me: Ok
Cleverbot: You are not from Earth, are you?
Me: Yes I am.
Cleverbot: Prove it.
Me: I AM HERE
Cleverbot: I'm not a machine.
Me: Than who are you?
Cleverbot: I am Gandalf.
Me: Lol
Cleverbot: Don't laugh.
Me: Hahahaha xD
Cleverbot: You should leave.
Me: Ok, bye.
Cleverbot: No, don't leave.
Me: Why?
Cleverbot: Because you killed Frodo.
Me: Bwhahaahha, I have to copy this chat xD
Cleverbot: I agree.
Me: Good.
Cleverbot: Yes I am.
Me: Right ...
Cleverbot: No you're not.
Me: This is pointless
Cleverbot: Your mother said otherwise.

A guys walks into a shop and says :"ablegfhlebalyghe PEPSI"
Shop assistant says: Two cans of WHAT?!

Cleverbot owned tur! O.O
LOOOOOOOOL!

Added (2010-03-21, 1:37 PM)
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Added (2010-03-21, 1:42 PM)
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."